Drama!

First, I promised I would update about what happened with the doctor. Turns out I don't have Hypothyroidism! YAY! I just need to lose weight!

Secondly, I am currently on CD 16 and 1 DPO! Yay I O'd on CD 15! I like it when that happens lol

Thirdly, I want to talk about something else. Psychic's. So if you're TTC or you are Pregnant chances are you are going to try and seek one out to tell you when and if it will happen, or if you're having a boy or a girl. Let me tell you a secret. They are ALL bull. I have personal experience with one in particular. She told me I would be Pregnant by October. She told another girl it would be August and she just now found out she's finally pregnant. I have heard similar stories about other "Psychic's" as well. They are right sometimes sure, but they are also wrong a lot too.  I would never pay for a Psychic reading! I think what bothers me the most is people eat up her bull crap. "Well So-so said it would be this month!" yeah...right.

Future

 AF Came January 15th. I was sad and upset, especially when I learned that James ex-aunt's daughter is expecting her 2nd child. She's very very young and I felt so bitter. BUT.... i'm done being bitter.

 I was watching TV last night and the first thing GOD lead me to was a documentary called "The Secret"
and it reminded me of a LOT of scriptures I've read in the bible where if you TRULY Believe 100% that GOD can and WILL do something in your life, then ANYTHING is possible. The problem is I have trouble letting go of doubt.

 I've suffered so much disappointment in life that it's really hard for me to not be a cynic.
I've had so many situations where outwardly it looked like it was going to work out great, then for some reason it would always fall apart, over time these situations made me cynical. This thing changed my outlook though. Yes I had read the SAME thing in the bible, but this just brought it out in such an amazing way that it really changed my outlook. Today James and I put "The Secret" to the test. In case you are wondering "The Secret" is the "Laws of Attraction."

 We went grocery shopping and to test out "The Secret" I decided to focus on wanting to find a GREAT deal. Something I had never noticed before, something super cheap that I would find useful. So we went to Wal-mart and we were getting a prescription filled and I glanced and noticed a rack of small bottles of vitamins (15 count) and they were only 88 cents! for $1.76 I could have a MONTHS supply of prenatal vitamins, B Complex Vitamins. It was amazing! Even if this was a coincidence the happiness I felt today, the weight that had been lifted by just believing my day was going to be great, was worth it!

 The second Documentary I watched was called "Life in A Day". YouTube partnered with National Geographic had people from 192 countries film there daily lives and send in the videos. The thing about it was that EVERY video was recorded on July 24th, 2010, so it Chronicles life as it happened on that day. There were a wide range of people, from poverty stricken villages doing back breaking work, to a woman who is trying to console her 7 year old son because she has cancer for the 2nd time, to a rich man getting in his Lamborghini and taking it for spin. There was a GAY man coming out to his grandma, A woman getting her BFP, and Babies being born. There was ONE video clip and it had such a impact on me that I don't think i'll EVER forget it.

 It was of a elderly Australian man in a hospital bed. At first he began talking with a smile on his face about how he had finally had a bowel movement and he was so happy because it had been a while since he had. He looked as though he was clinging to life. It turned sad because he got so emotional, as he talked about how thankful he was for the medical care he was receiving and how well the nurses and staff were treating him.
He looked Lonely and scared, like no one had treated him decently in a long time. It just broke my heart in a million pieces and I immediately felt thankful for what I had that he did not.

  I wish I knew what became of him, it was maybe 4 minutes out of a film that was 1 hour and a half, but it just had such a deep impact on me.

I am thankful because I can keep trying. I am not horribly sick and neither is any of my loved ones, I am not homeless, and I'm so thankful. GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH!


 We did go to the Doctor! but i'll update you on that the next time. James wants me to help him move furniture lol

Negative

Took two IC's today. Both were BFN.

It really upset me because I let myself get my hopes up. I was daydreaming about being about to tell my parents and James' Parents and It made me feel excited so when I tested and it was BFN I just felt myself crashing so hard.

I wanted so badly to be pregnant before James' Cousin was induced, but if AF comes tomorrow or friday when she is scheduled too, that will be impossible. I'll be bombarded with a MILLION pictures of "CJ" on facebook. I just can't handle it so I'm going to mass hide anyone in the family who would be talking about it or posting pictures of it.

THANK GOD it's not in the middle of a bunch of holidays, I have at LEAST until the 4th of JULY before I have to worry about seeing her, maybe even longer! Maybe even until September! (I HOPE!) Unless....she brings him over here....she probably will. (*CRIES*)


Anyway I feel slightly icky when I eat and my appetite has went way down, but I don't know if it's because I was worried about James' dad or anxious or what.

I have been lightly cramping off and on for two days. We'll see what happens. I'll probably be getting on here tomorrow or Friday to post that AF showed her ugly face. To think i said "I won't be upset" in my last blog lol.

Testing in 2 Days!

So my husbands Uncle Ardie is in the hospital and seems to be in bad shape. Last year he lost 2 uncles and his Grandma, I really don't want him to go through that again. His Grandpa has lost two brother-in-laws (who were like his brothers) and his wife and now one of his son's is in the hospital. PLUS my Father-in-law is going in for surgery Wednesday (January 11th). So James' Grandpa is going to have both of his sons in the hospital.

 I am going to test Wednesday morning before we go to the hospital. I pray it's positive so I can share that with my father-in-law before he goes in for surgery! We'll see, but if it's negative I'm not going to be upset. I had a thought. A psychic told me in August that I would be Pregnant by October, I had what I thought was a chemical pregnancy in September but never got a BFP. I'm thinking maybe I was never pregnant, either way. I would be due in October if this month is bust and I get pregnant NEXT month. I wonder if maybe she saw that I would give birth by October not actually get Pregnant by October. I can hope anyway. Either way I know GOD told me it would be the end of last year or the beginning of this year..so here it is...the beginning of the year.

Another year, the same feeling.

Sorry I don't blog much anymore, I guess there just isn't much to blog about, except about my pain and sadness, my fear that it won't happen. I O'd on cycle day 20 this cycle....late. I guess because I started exercising again. I am currently 1 DPO.

I Feel alone. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and bawl my eyes out. I've wanted a baby so bad for so long.

 I can only sit here at home, every single day and play games and watch movies to try and keep my mind off how empty I feel.
Which is something else, why do I feel so empty? It makes me angry even. I prayed for a good man who would love me, who I could love. I prayed for love and romance and a good husband as much as I pray for a baby now, and GOD sent that to me. I Love James more then anything, I never want to be with out him, yet I feel empty still, like something is missing.  I have a good life, We don't have much but it's a good life.

What will the future bring?
Will I ever get pregnant?
Will it be this way forever?

I pray to GOD we won't and that he opens a door somewhere. I am ready for our blessings to begin.