Feeling Good

 I just recently found out I actually have TWO cycles to get pregnant before the October Wedding! YAY!
it made me feel better, but I also had forgotten the dreaded bridal shower. I know there is going to be some drama when I don't show up to this bridal shower, but I just can't do it, with my husband's cousin there it might as well be a baby shower. I can't emotionally handle it.

 Which brings me to my next thought, James and I were talking and we're seriously thinking about trying our best to drop out of the wedding some how. He knows how extremely horrible, heart wrenching and hard it would be for me to go to that wedding, with his cousin 26 weeks pregnant, and a couple of other women are bringing their "new babies". He knows I couldn't handle it emotionally. Maybe I'm a big baby but it's just how it is and who I am. It hurt's more then anything I've felt, and I've been through some horrible things in my life. But on a lighter note . . .

 I am feeling great lately! I feel very optimistic and good. I have met some wonderful people recently and I'm even getting the opportunity to do graphics commissions which is something I've ALWAYS wanted to do!
James and I even ordered some OPK's which should be here any day now, and I've started temping.

 Temping is very frustrating though, it's hard because after everything I've read, I was under the impression that everything had to be perfect. You had to get at least 3 hours asleep without waking, take it at the same time everyday and take it before you do anything, even speak. So here I am, waking myself up every time I roll over, wondering if I should take my temperature, had it been enough time? then thinking I probably ruined it by being awake for 45 seconds. Turns out it's not that hard.

 All in all, things are good! can't wait to find out when I O and what my luteal phase length is!

Here she comes to wreck the day.

 Well she came right on time, dear auntie flow. At first I just thanked GOD she was on time, and wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be, but then those nice hormones took over and now I feel like crying. I am having a really tough day.

 I now have ONE cycle to get pregnant before the October wedding. If I'm not pregnant by then it's going to be one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time.  I'm just so disappointed, and I don't mean for these thoughts to be so jumbled but it's the way they are coming out. I'm just so sad.

Keeping it together

 I'm getting very nervous now. It's getting closer. I should get AF between August 25th and August 29th.
It's close enough to make me start getting so scared. I keep running the scenarios in my head. What will I do if I'm not pregnant again this month. . . I know the answer, curl up in my husbands arms and cry my eyes out like I normally do. I'm so afraid of being disappointed again. I HAVE to get pregnant before October or I have some very painful social situations ahead of me.

 It's made worse by the fact that I have only had one "symptom" and that's I've had a twinge around my left ovary, and one time my right, but nothing else. No sore breasts, they don't look any different or feel any different, I'm not really fatigued or tired, no hunger or peeing a lot, no back pain, no heartburn or nausea. So. . . that's where I'm at right now. Scared to get my hopes up even though they are already SKY HIGH.

 I've imagine what the moment I finally get a BFP might be like.  It would be so amazing. I just feel so out this month, I feel like I'm not pregnant but AF will come right on time, even though I haven't really had symptoms of her approach either.

 I am just having a tough day, It's always hard for me right at the end of the 2WW when you'll find out if you'll be thrilled or devastated. Let's hope it's thrilled.

Facebook

If you've been TTC for a long time with no progress and you use Facebook, then you know all too well that Facebook can be evil. There is always someone posting status updates about every kick (worse if they are complaining about being pregnant), someone posting their u/s images or someone with the all so evil BabyGaga App.

I hate you BabyGaga!!!. . . For now.

 It's common knowledge that these things cause a lot of pain and misery to those of us who have been TTC for a while. I try not to hide people on facebook unless the baby mania becomes so frequent that I can't sign in to Facebook without having it shoved in my face. I recently read that Facebook has added a new feature in the "Friends and Family" section when you go to edit your profile. It allows you to add that you are expecting and what your due date is.

Facebook's new Friends and Family addition.

 I was telling my husband that I was glad, because when we FINALLY do get pregnant, I wanted to post on my profile that I was expecting like you could on Myspace. He then asked me a question that made me think. He asked if I was going to post a lot of status updates, pictures and app updates when we get pregnant, despite the fact that some of my friends on Facebook are still TTC.

 Now If we are honest with ourselves, the reason it bothers us so much is because we envy them, we want to be able to do the same thing, but we can't. We want to feel what they are feeling as they type that status message so badly, but we can't. I told my husband, yes I would absolutely post status updates,  use the BabyGaga app,  and post pictures.

 This may sound insensitive, but hear me out. When ( because I will ) I find out I'm Pregnant, then I'm going to announce it on my Facebook with a warning to ALL my Facebook friends. I will then refrain from posting anything about babies for 24 hours. Why 24 hours? I'll give you an example of what this status' of mine might look like below:

ATTENTION FACEBOOK FRIENDS WHO ARE TTC
I am happy to announce we are FINALLY Pregnant! As some of you know, this has taken us 4 years! This status' is to warn everyone that I will be posting frequent status updates, pictures and app updates regarding my pregnancy. I know how painful this can be and I mean no harm and don't wish to be insensitive to those who are still TTC. After so long of TTC and having to endure so much on Facebook myself I feel I have EARNED this right!. That is why I am giving everyone a chance right now to HIDE my posts. I will not be upset, I COMPLETELY understand! You have 24 hours to hide me before the baby fest commences! Wishing everyone the best and lots of baby dust!

 Don't get me wrong everyone has the right to be happy about their pregnancies and want to share it with their friends and family. but dealing with Infertility I have to say it doesn't bother me as much; if I know the person didn't just pop up pregnant right away or had one of those "SURPRISE!" pregnancies. If they tried for months and months and months, or especially years . . . then chances are they've had to painfully endure someone Else's Facebook updates and I feel they have EARNED the chance to do what they have so longed to do for a long time.

I think it's only wrong if you were to get angry or offended at one of your friends because they had you hidden when you know they are TTC and that your updates are hurting them.

 I welcome anyone Else's thoughts or opinions on the matter. If you've been TTC for a long time, would you post frequent status updates on your Facebook?

And it begins. . .

First post of my blog. I'm excited about it I'm hoping it will be both therapeutic for me and helpful to someone else. If in all of this I can be a blessing to just ONE person I'd be so very happy. with that said, I'm pretty good today, I feel optimistic! Yesterday I was feeling pretty bad telling myself that; "It won't happen...you'll be tormented by mother's day forever!" I was feeling sorry for myself, asking why me? and everything in between. Finally I decided to go take a warm bath and when I was in there I just closed my eyes and I talked to God. I told him I felt like he had abandoned me, but I knew he hadn't, I knew he was working for me even if I didn't see any progress.

 When I had finished this sentence my thoughts got interrupted by another thought (I know it came from GOD), I thought "Wait . . . I have seen progress! My cycles have been normal for almost a year!" I continued to talk to GOD until I had finally felt peace, knowing that we hadn't REALLY been trying to conceive the past 4 years, really if anything we had been hoping, praying and not preventing.

 I felt that we have only been TRYING for 1 month...yep, just 1. We just did everything wrong before, and I really feel confident that It's going to happen soon. I got a spiritual reading from a wonderful medium named Rebecca Foster.  Some may think that's wrong of me because I'm a Christian, but not all prophets or 'false prophets" and I'm not closed minded.

 Her reading was both reassuring and worried me at the same time. She said she saw that I may have an Auto-immune disease and that I should get checked for clotting disorders. I was really hoping that my Hypothyroidism was mild enough to not cause me problems, but to hear I may have other problems was scary. But, then she proceeded to tell me that she saw nothing that would keep me from carrying a child and that she thought I had a good chance of conceiving by October.

 This made me so happy! and it also went along with a message that GOD had given me one night I was praying. It was back in May and He made it known to me, that I would conceive by the end of this year or beginning of next year. I've struggled with this, wondering if it was really GOD or if it was me trying to make myself feel better. But I have to believe it was GOD.

 I really hope I do conceive before October, because James' cousin Thomas is getting married in October and I'm one of the bride's maids and so is James' Other cousin Candice, whom will be about 23 weeks pregnant by then.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough to be around her or face her if I'm not pregnant by then.

 As for where we stand now in TTC, I'm not sure honestly. I had about 2 days of watery CM and 1 day of EWCM so I thought we had covered all our bases, but now i'm not really sure, CM is so confusing.....

 I may or may not be about 3 DPO so we'll find out if I have any symptoms or anything.

NEVER GIVE UP!