Fight Inside

I am a huge fan of music. I have been since I was 3 years old and I discovered Buddy Holly. Today I like a lot of different genres of music anything from classical to rock. There is a band called RED and they have a song called "Fight Inside" I discovered this song while listening to a christian radio station online and I have to say it goes with what I feel SO very much.

Before I post the Lyrics I'll go through what they mean to me.

The devil can whisper lies to you, tell you it's not going to change as the lyrics says "We both know how this will end" In other words, he will tell me "you will never get pregnant again, you know this month will end like every other"

But I try again, every time, I march on doing my best to ignore him and knowing without GOD I would be broken I would lose out every time. When the song says "And without you" It says GOD to me. Without God, the fight inside would kill me.

The fight inside that goes along with this, you fight to hold on to faith, to ignore the negativity to hold on to hope.

You also fight inside to make a life, to hold on to that life and to nurture it and grow it into the child you want so very badly.

Satan also tells you that, all of this pain you go through ( or pursue ) trying to conceive, isn't worth it, It's not worth the light at the end of the tunnel, because you won't get to that light.

You tell yourself that it's nothing, it's okay if it's negative again this month but in your heart you know it's EVERYTHING to you.

Satan will always find you and he will always temp you the lyrics "And it finds me" that's what it says to me, He will always try to destroy you and break you and bring you down.

And Now for the lyrics and the Song! (my thoughts in red!)

Fight Inside By RED

Enemy (Satan), familiar friend (GOD)
My beginning (GOD)  and my end (Satan)
Knowing truth,(GOD) whispering lies (Satan)
And it hurts again

What I fear and what I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again (despite all the pain, and the fear we still want a baby more then anything)

And it finds me (Satan finds you his web if fear and lies)
The fight inside is coursing through my veins (The fight inside is both Satan and God, you fight to hold onto faith and Satan lies and tells you negative things, The fight inside is also the fight to conceive a child)
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again (This fight can be exhausting...)

It's still the same, pursuing pain
Isn't worth the light I've gained
We both know how this will end (Satan will tell you the pain isn't worth the outcome and that you will not succeed)
But I do it again (despite these lies from Satan we still continue to try month after month, year after year)

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you (without GOD)
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's nothing (GOD says It's okay if I'm not pregnant, I will conceive in his time)
(It's everything) (Satan Says, It's actually everything to me, I will die if this isn't the month)
It's nothing
(It's everything)

It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
It's everything

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's breaking me, it's breaking me
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart

LISTEN TO THE SONG IT'S AMAZING

It's been rough..new plans!

I know it's been almost a month since I've updated this. I apologize, it's been a rough month! we found out early in September that my husband's Uncle had Lung Cancer and had a maximum of 2 months to live. But unfortunately he died of a heart attack Wednesday. September 14th. On September 21st we were all going to attend is memorial service, but instead had to call an ambulance for my Father In Law. He has a REALLY bad infection caused by a hernia mesh he had put in years ago. He's doing better now thank god! but it's been a really rough month, and that's why I haven't update this blog or my vlog in a while.

I did get AF yesterday and she came with a vengeance due to stress. I have feared getting severely dehydrated due to the heaviness of this cycle. But I am looking forward to October! My Husband's birthday is October 23rd and that's right around when I should expect a BFP or AF, so I'm praying I can give him the surprise of a BFP for his birthday! and mine, since my birthday is only a week a 3 days after that!

I have decided however that I will not continue my VLOG. I'm just too shy and too...well lazy lol no since lying about it! I don't have enough to talk about and being a poor girl, nothing new happens much so it's just very awkward to vlog when you do and see the exact same things pretty much every single day lol. I'm much better at writing, so this will be what I continue to do. I do thank everyone who subscribed and watched them though, it means a lot to me!

It's Not Funny

 I just have to vent because I'm so very annoyed right now and i'm trying to get things done and I can't do them if i can't move passed this. James told me that it's a good thing I didn't have one of the girls from our church on my facebook anymore. My exact reply in the most annoyed tone I could muster was;  "why? Is she pregnant again!?" in my head I was thinking "she better not be pregnant again". Before I tell you the outcome, let me explain why I was so annoyed at this prospect.

 First of all I've written about this girl before, in my blog.  you'll recognize the story. We'll call her Becky for the sake of this story. I don't like using their real names. So Becky got pregnant with her 1st when my husband and I had been trying for a few months. I had to watch her be pregnant, and it was made worse by the fact that she's the pastor's granddaughter and they talked about it a lot. Which her daughter whom I will call Anna was born, they paraded her around and it was all up in my face all the time. It was so bad I had to rush out of the church many times to cry from the pain.

 Now this is going to sound horrible of me, but I don't think that Becky is a very good mother. First of all Anna's grandmother or great-grandmother always had her more then her own mother did, and not because her mother was busy working. Just because. Usually every time I noticed it, she would be outside talking to someone or flirting with somebody. Even when anyone with a brain could tell that Anna's great-grandmother had her hands full with her, Becky would not get up to take her own daughter from her for nothing and It always annoyed me.

 So last year, I read on her Facebook that she "guessed she was pregnant again" I was angry, and annoyed and I told James "why!? she doesn't take care of the one she has!!" and I knew that would be the end of me going to that church. I couldn't go and watch her be pregnant again, knowing what I knew, watching her flirt with people and ignore her daughter and I knew I would be completely distracted from GOD.

 So we made plans to stop attending church after Christmas last year, but before we did we helped our church fix our annual parade float. Little Anna had wondered off into the social hall, because of course her mother was behind the church flirting, laughing and kissing some guy and wasn't paying the least bit of attention to her. My mother-in-law and I were in the social hall, as was the pastor. He even made a remark that Anna had found her way in there and nobody even cared to come look for her.

 That was it for me, I haven't been to church since. My husband and I had planned to start attending church now that Becky had her son in July. I was going to suck it up and go. But that was before Baby Boom 2011 started. When another one of the pastor's granddaughters announced she was pregnant and James' ex-girlfriend who also goes to our church bubbly announced she was pregnant AND James' cousin goes and she's pregnant and I could not handle all the Prengnant-ness coming off that church.

 Emotionally I'm just not strong enough to go and deal with that, so I will continue to do church at home. But now that you know all about Becky. Here is why I'm so annoyed.

 Turns out Becky is not pregnant again (THANK GOD). She had posted on her Facebook that she was "16 weeks and craving". My mother in law called and was saying she didn't appreciate it, or think it was funny at all because there are people who are having a really hard time getting pregnant. It was as if she was flaunting that she can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Of course they laughed at her and told her "It was just a joke"

 Well I am not the least bit amused. I'm mad. Neither of her children have the same father, and everyone knows that she's no longer with her last baby daddy, so is she trying to make herself look like a slut? Is she gloating? It feels like she's gloating to me. "I can get pregnant anytime I want all I have to do is jump the nearest guy" that's what I feel like she's basically saying.

 I don't know why it makes me so mad, I know that when I finally get Pregnant, It will be the right way, not by a weekend hot fling, and I know I will be a good mother. I also know that GOD will fulfill his promise to make me a mother, so why do I feel so crappy?

 I hope I can forget about this soon. I have so much work to do on all these signatures, and I just can't concentrate on them when I'm so annoyed.