Bust

Well, AF came December 13th. Not sure what else to say.

I changed my Facebook profile to the new timeline, and got access to my old status updates from years ago. One was from July 31st, 2009. It read:

"It's Friday...Also know as Test Day...I'm nervous, I'm scared (of a negative) but we're gonna do it this afternoon...so...we'll see! *crosses fingers* Please god, please god, please god ....."

It almost made me cry. To think I wrote that then, and here I sit now. No better off or closer then I was then. It makes me sick and bitter and angry all at the same time.

All I prayed for is to get pregnant before October 29th. So I wouldn't have to go to the wedding and see DH cousin. Not only did I have to Go, but I was the only bridesmaid out of 4 that was not pregnant.

Then I prayed..."Just please let me get Pregnant before January, before DH cousin has her baby"

No Dice. Now all I want is to not have to spend another Mother's Day with no child. But I probably won't get that either. I've been trying longer then ANYONE I know. Pregnant or not.

I'm going to try this month, but I think next month I'll take a break. Maybe...I always want to stop, but always somehow find GOD whispering "Try one more time"...

Update (Long)

I am so very sorry it has been over a month since I last updated. I had to go to that Wedding, Thanksgiving and a here I am with some updates!

Okay so I made it through James' Cousin's wedding! It was hard, I was the only one out of 4 bridesmaids that wasn't pregnant. One of them made it known she didn't really want to be pregnant, she complained a lot, which disgusted me, and she was smoking while pregnant....which I don't like. But hey who am I to judge right? Only a insanely jealous infertile women. Important thing is, I got through it and didn't cry (In front of anyone). Thanksgiving went well, except that I did not get to announce a pregnancy. AF came November 17th.

I was extremely upset by this, I had put so much faith into that cycle, more then I ever had before. I even thought GOD himself had told me that it was my cycle. I felt heartbroken and hopeless when AF came and it took me days to get over it. I was angry at GOD. I couldn't understand why he was doing this to me. Making me watch everyone around me be pregnant. Making me beg when others can just accidentally get pregnant when they don't even want to. But I worked through it, I prayed, talked to GOD, read scripture and I didn't let Satan win over me.

When I start November 17th, my LP was still 10 days, meaning the dose of B6 I was taking wasn't enough. Which also upset me pretty bad. One of my wonderful friends on Sweet Baby Bump got her BFP and sent me what she didn't use of her FertilAid, FertileCM, OPK's, HPTS, and Fertilitea as well as a complete one a day multivitamin.

I am pleased to announce that by taking these things plus doubling my dose of B-6 it seems to be working! I O'd 4 days sooner then I usually do! I O'd on CD 14 and I am now on 2 DPO!

If I am pregnant I would find out around December 15th, which was my Mom's Due Date when she was pregnant with me. How awesome is that huh?

I am praying that with a Longer LP this month and better CM, that this will be our month and we can get a Christmas BFP. I will keep you posted for sure!

Update

Well AF Came, October 20th which put my LP at 10 days. Not good. Luckily a very sweet girl sent my a couple of bottles of Vitamin B-6 so I hope it helps to lengthen my LP. James and I Both have a good feeling about November! I would love to be able to announce that I was pregnant for thanksgiving!

I was very sad the day AF came, I think I cried all day. It was hard. I'm a little anxious that something is wrong with me. I pray so hard that there isn't and if there is that GOD himself heal me. But I just don't know.

CD6 and on to O!

Heartache

At the beginning of this cycle I felt so alive, so hopeful and peaceful. I can now honestly say, that I HATE the TWW. It will take my happy, hopefulness and turns it into anxiousness, fear and doubt. I know that's how Satan works, and I try so hard to Pray, and keep good thoughts and not lean on my own understanding, but it gets so very hard.

I have been having a hard time the past few days keeping my head up and not obsessing, I try to play video games so I don't think of the pain, the longing and fear, but the moment I'm no longer emerged in a digital world, the real world starts crashing down around me.

Last night, while making dinner, I was just standing there chopping up some green bell pepper and thinking about how badly I want to be pregnant, how badly I want a baby and to be a mother, and I just burst into tears and had to sit down for a minute.

James' Birthday is October 23rd, the day after Fertility Friend predicts AF will come. Which means I will be on CD 2 on his birthday and I'll be cramping and miserable! A week and a few days later is My 27th Birthday on November 3rd, which is when the season premiere of BONES comes on, James' loves that show and will no doubt be watching it, In the show she's pregnant and her best friend just had a baby. Oh. . . JOY.

And the cherry on top of my "FREAK OUT" cake. I still have the wedding of James' Cousin to go to on October 29th. Where his other cousin is VERY pregnant and showing like crazy! and I just know that one of the girls from church is going to be there and her I cannot deal with. I can deal with James' Cousin, because it took her about 3 and a half years to get pregnant and they actually tried hard and she's been through a lot so she deserves it, but this girl DOES NOT deserve it, she only got pregnant because she had a super short fling with some random dude.

I know I sound super judgmental, not christian at all, but it's the jealousy coming out in me, because I just saw her post a picture of her baby bump on Facebook and to see her say "I can't wait to see what I'm having!" Just kills me inside. I keep thinking "That should be me!!! NOT YOU!!!" it's like the more I think of it, the more angry I feel.

I just feel so miserable right now and I know it's exactly what Satan wants. But temptation and doing things that "aren't" christian isn't keeping anyone else from getting pregnant *Glares at Girl from Church*

Our church puts on a hot dog roast every year right before Halloween, James and I have attended every year. The first 3 years we were there, there was a pregnant woman there EVERY TIME and i'd be so jealous and I'd say to myself "Next time I come to one of these, I'll be pregnant" I said every time. Last year we went nobody was pregnant, including me. This year, the hot dog roast is this Wednesday the 19th of October, when I will either have AF, be a couple of days from AF, be 10 DPO or 3wks and 6 days Pregnant.

GOD help me please.

The Wait Is On

So I am 3 DPO today. I had a 3 day LH Surge on CD 17, 18 and 19. Fertility Friend has put CD 19 as the Day I O'd So that's what I'm going by. I'm really trying not to think about it. But Fertility Friend has also put my estimated day of AF to be the day before James' Birthday. I keep thinking, I don't want to be Sad, Disappointed and Crampy on his Birthday.

I want to give him a BFP on his birthday so very badly. But I can't let myself think about it, or else I'll start obsessing and then that feeling like If I don't get it I'll die will come back. I pray right now that GOD would help me through this.

Fight Inside

I am a huge fan of music. I have been since I was 3 years old and I discovered Buddy Holly. Today I like a lot of different genres of music anything from classical to rock. There is a band called RED and they have a song called "Fight Inside" I discovered this song while listening to a christian radio station online and I have to say it goes with what I feel SO very much.

Before I post the Lyrics I'll go through what they mean to me.

The devil can whisper lies to you, tell you it's not going to change as the lyrics says "We both know how this will end" In other words, he will tell me "you will never get pregnant again, you know this month will end like every other"

But I try again, every time, I march on doing my best to ignore him and knowing without GOD I would be broken I would lose out every time. When the song says "And without you" It says GOD to me. Without God, the fight inside would kill me.

The fight inside that goes along with this, you fight to hold on to faith, to ignore the negativity to hold on to hope.

You also fight inside to make a life, to hold on to that life and to nurture it and grow it into the child you want so very badly.

Satan also tells you that, all of this pain you go through ( or pursue ) trying to conceive, isn't worth it, It's not worth the light at the end of the tunnel, because you won't get to that light.

You tell yourself that it's nothing, it's okay if it's negative again this month but in your heart you know it's EVERYTHING to you.

Satan will always find you and he will always temp you the lyrics "And it finds me" that's what it says to me, He will always try to destroy you and break you and bring you down.

And Now for the lyrics and the Song! (my thoughts in red!)

Fight Inside By RED

Enemy (Satan), familiar friend (GOD)
My beginning (GOD)  and my end (Satan)
Knowing truth,(GOD) whispering lies (Satan)
And it hurts again

What I fear and what I try
The words I say and what I hide
All the pain, I want it to end
But I want it again (despite all the pain, and the fear we still want a baby more then anything)

And it finds me (Satan finds you his web if fear and lies)
The fight inside is coursing through my veins (The fight inside is both Satan and God, you fight to hold onto faith and Satan lies and tells you negative things, The fight inside is also the fight to conceive a child)
And it's raging
The fight inside is breaking me again (This fight can be exhausting...)

It's still the same, pursuing pain
Isn't worth the light I've gained
We both know how this will end (Satan will tell you the pain isn't worth the outcome and that you will not succeed)
But I do it again (despite these lies from Satan we still continue to try month after month, year after year)

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you (without GOD)
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's nothing (GOD says It's okay if I'm not pregnant, I will conceive in his time)
(It's everything) (Satan Says, It's actually everything to me, I will die if this isn't the month)
It's nothing
(It's everything)

It's nothing
(It's everything)
It's nothing
It's everything

And it finds me
The fight inside is coursing through my veins
And it's raging
The fight inside is hurting me again

And it finds me
The war within me pulls me under
And without you
The fight inside is breaking me again

It's breaking me, it's breaking me
I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart

LISTEN TO THE SONG IT'S AMAZING

It's been rough..new plans!

I know it's been almost a month since I've updated this. I apologize, it's been a rough month! we found out early in September that my husband's Uncle had Lung Cancer and had a maximum of 2 months to live. But unfortunately he died of a heart attack Wednesday. September 14th. On September 21st we were all going to attend is memorial service, but instead had to call an ambulance for my Father In Law. He has a REALLY bad infection caused by a hernia mesh he had put in years ago. He's doing better now thank god! but it's been a really rough month, and that's why I haven't update this blog or my vlog in a while.

I did get AF yesterday and she came with a vengeance due to stress. I have feared getting severely dehydrated due to the heaviness of this cycle. But I am looking forward to October! My Husband's birthday is October 23rd and that's right around when I should expect a BFP or AF, so I'm praying I can give him the surprise of a BFP for his birthday! and mine, since my birthday is only a week a 3 days after that!

I have decided however that I will not continue my VLOG. I'm just too shy and too...well lazy lol no since lying about it! I don't have enough to talk about and being a poor girl, nothing new happens much so it's just very awkward to vlog when you do and see the exact same things pretty much every single day lol. I'm much better at writing, so this will be what I continue to do. I do thank everyone who subscribed and watched them though, it means a lot to me!

It's Not Funny

 I just have to vent because I'm so very annoyed right now and i'm trying to get things done and I can't do them if i can't move passed this. James told me that it's a good thing I didn't have one of the girls from our church on my facebook anymore. My exact reply in the most annoyed tone I could muster was;  "why? Is she pregnant again!?" in my head I was thinking "she better not be pregnant again". Before I tell you the outcome, let me explain why I was so annoyed at this prospect.

 First of all I've written about this girl before, in my blog.  you'll recognize the story. We'll call her Becky for the sake of this story. I don't like using their real names. So Becky got pregnant with her 1st when my husband and I had been trying for a few months. I had to watch her be pregnant, and it was made worse by the fact that she's the pastor's granddaughter and they talked about it a lot. Which her daughter whom I will call Anna was born, they paraded her around and it was all up in my face all the time. It was so bad I had to rush out of the church many times to cry from the pain.

 Now this is going to sound horrible of me, but I don't think that Becky is a very good mother. First of all Anna's grandmother or great-grandmother always had her more then her own mother did, and not because her mother was busy working. Just because. Usually every time I noticed it, she would be outside talking to someone or flirting with somebody. Even when anyone with a brain could tell that Anna's great-grandmother had her hands full with her, Becky would not get up to take her own daughter from her for nothing and It always annoyed me.

 So last year, I read on her Facebook that she "guessed she was pregnant again" I was angry, and annoyed and I told James "why!? she doesn't take care of the one she has!!" and I knew that would be the end of me going to that church. I couldn't go and watch her be pregnant again, knowing what I knew, watching her flirt with people and ignore her daughter and I knew I would be completely distracted from GOD.

 So we made plans to stop attending church after Christmas last year, but before we did we helped our church fix our annual parade float. Little Anna had wondered off into the social hall, because of course her mother was behind the church flirting, laughing and kissing some guy and wasn't paying the least bit of attention to her. My mother-in-law and I were in the social hall, as was the pastor. He even made a remark that Anna had found her way in there and nobody even cared to come look for her.

 That was it for me, I haven't been to church since. My husband and I had planned to start attending church now that Becky had her son in July. I was going to suck it up and go. But that was before Baby Boom 2011 started. When another one of the pastor's granddaughters announced she was pregnant and James' ex-girlfriend who also goes to our church bubbly announced she was pregnant AND James' cousin goes and she's pregnant and I could not handle all the Prengnant-ness coming off that church.

 Emotionally I'm just not strong enough to go and deal with that, so I will continue to do church at home. But now that you know all about Becky. Here is why I'm so annoyed.

 Turns out Becky is not pregnant again (THANK GOD). She had posted on her Facebook that she was "16 weeks and craving". My mother in law called and was saying she didn't appreciate it, or think it was funny at all because there are people who are having a really hard time getting pregnant. It was as if she was flaunting that she can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. Of course they laughed at her and told her "It was just a joke"

 Well I am not the least bit amused. I'm mad. Neither of her children have the same father, and everyone knows that she's no longer with her last baby daddy, so is she trying to make herself look like a slut? Is she gloating? It feels like she's gloating to me. "I can get pregnant anytime I want all I have to do is jump the nearest guy" that's what I feel like she's basically saying.

 I don't know why it makes me so mad, I know that when I finally get Pregnant, It will be the right way, not by a weekend hot fling, and I know I will be a good mother. I also know that GOD will fulfill his promise to make me a mother, so why do I feel so crappy?

 I hope I can forget about this soon. I have so much work to do on all these signatures, and I just can't concentrate on them when I'm so annoyed.

Feeling Good

 I just recently found out I actually have TWO cycles to get pregnant before the October Wedding! YAY!
it made me feel better, but I also had forgotten the dreaded bridal shower. I know there is going to be some drama when I don't show up to this bridal shower, but I just can't do it, with my husband's cousin there it might as well be a baby shower. I can't emotionally handle it.

 Which brings me to my next thought, James and I were talking and we're seriously thinking about trying our best to drop out of the wedding some how. He knows how extremely horrible, heart wrenching and hard it would be for me to go to that wedding, with his cousin 26 weeks pregnant, and a couple of other women are bringing their "new babies". He knows I couldn't handle it emotionally. Maybe I'm a big baby but it's just how it is and who I am. It hurt's more then anything I've felt, and I've been through some horrible things in my life. But on a lighter note . . .

 I am feeling great lately! I feel very optimistic and good. I have met some wonderful people recently and I'm even getting the opportunity to do graphics commissions which is something I've ALWAYS wanted to do!
James and I even ordered some OPK's which should be here any day now, and I've started temping.

 Temping is very frustrating though, it's hard because after everything I've read, I was under the impression that everything had to be perfect. You had to get at least 3 hours asleep without waking, take it at the same time everyday and take it before you do anything, even speak. So here I am, waking myself up every time I roll over, wondering if I should take my temperature, had it been enough time? then thinking I probably ruined it by being awake for 45 seconds. Turns out it's not that hard.

 All in all, things are good! can't wait to find out when I O and what my luteal phase length is!

Here she comes to wreck the day.

 Well she came right on time, dear auntie flow. At first I just thanked GOD she was on time, and wasn't as upset as I thought I'd be, but then those nice hormones took over and now I feel like crying. I am having a really tough day.

 I now have ONE cycle to get pregnant before the October wedding. If I'm not pregnant by then it's going to be one of the hardest things I've had to do in a long time.  I'm just so disappointed, and I don't mean for these thoughts to be so jumbled but it's the way they are coming out. I'm just so sad.

Keeping it together

 I'm getting very nervous now. It's getting closer. I should get AF between August 25th and August 29th.
It's close enough to make me start getting so scared. I keep running the scenarios in my head. What will I do if I'm not pregnant again this month. . . I know the answer, curl up in my husbands arms and cry my eyes out like I normally do. I'm so afraid of being disappointed again. I HAVE to get pregnant before October or I have some very painful social situations ahead of me.

 It's made worse by the fact that I have only had one "symptom" and that's I've had a twinge around my left ovary, and one time my right, but nothing else. No sore breasts, they don't look any different or feel any different, I'm not really fatigued or tired, no hunger or peeing a lot, no back pain, no heartburn or nausea. So. . . that's where I'm at right now. Scared to get my hopes up even though they are already SKY HIGH.

 I've imagine what the moment I finally get a BFP might be like.  It would be so amazing. I just feel so out this month, I feel like I'm not pregnant but AF will come right on time, even though I haven't really had symptoms of her approach either.

 I am just having a tough day, It's always hard for me right at the end of the 2WW when you'll find out if you'll be thrilled or devastated. Let's hope it's thrilled.

Facebook

If you've been TTC for a long time with no progress and you use Facebook, then you know all too well that Facebook can be evil. There is always someone posting status updates about every kick (worse if they are complaining about being pregnant), someone posting their u/s images or someone with the all so evil BabyGaga App.

I hate you BabyGaga!!!. . . For now.

 It's common knowledge that these things cause a lot of pain and misery to those of us who have been TTC for a while. I try not to hide people on facebook unless the baby mania becomes so frequent that I can't sign in to Facebook without having it shoved in my face. I recently read that Facebook has added a new feature in the "Friends and Family" section when you go to edit your profile. It allows you to add that you are expecting and what your due date is.

Facebook's new Friends and Family addition.

 I was telling my husband that I was glad, because when we FINALLY do get pregnant, I wanted to post on my profile that I was expecting like you could on Myspace. He then asked me a question that made me think. He asked if I was going to post a lot of status updates, pictures and app updates when we get pregnant, despite the fact that some of my friends on Facebook are still TTC.

 Now If we are honest with ourselves, the reason it bothers us so much is because we envy them, we want to be able to do the same thing, but we can't. We want to feel what they are feeling as they type that status message so badly, but we can't. I told my husband, yes I would absolutely post status updates,  use the BabyGaga app,  and post pictures.

 This may sound insensitive, but hear me out. When ( because I will ) I find out I'm Pregnant, then I'm going to announce it on my Facebook with a warning to ALL my Facebook friends. I will then refrain from posting anything about babies for 24 hours. Why 24 hours? I'll give you an example of what this status' of mine might look like below:

ATTENTION FACEBOOK FRIENDS WHO ARE TTC
I am happy to announce we are FINALLY Pregnant! As some of you know, this has taken us 4 years! This status' is to warn everyone that I will be posting frequent status updates, pictures and app updates regarding my pregnancy. I know how painful this can be and I mean no harm and don't wish to be insensitive to those who are still TTC. After so long of TTC and having to endure so much on Facebook myself I feel I have EARNED this right!. That is why I am giving everyone a chance right now to HIDE my posts. I will not be upset, I COMPLETELY understand! You have 24 hours to hide me before the baby fest commences! Wishing everyone the best and lots of baby dust!

 Don't get me wrong everyone has the right to be happy about their pregnancies and want to share it with their friends and family. but dealing with Infertility I have to say it doesn't bother me as much; if I know the person didn't just pop up pregnant right away or had one of those "SURPRISE!" pregnancies. If they tried for months and months and months, or especially years . . . then chances are they've had to painfully endure someone Else's Facebook updates and I feel they have EARNED the chance to do what they have so longed to do for a long time.

I think it's only wrong if you were to get angry or offended at one of your friends because they had you hidden when you know they are TTC and that your updates are hurting them.

 I welcome anyone Else's thoughts or opinions on the matter. If you've been TTC for a long time, would you post frequent status updates on your Facebook?

And it begins. . .

First post of my blog. I'm excited about it I'm hoping it will be both therapeutic for me and helpful to someone else. If in all of this I can be a blessing to just ONE person I'd be so very happy. with that said, I'm pretty good today, I feel optimistic! Yesterday I was feeling pretty bad telling myself that; "It won't happen...you'll be tormented by mother's day forever!" I was feeling sorry for myself, asking why me? and everything in between. Finally I decided to go take a warm bath and when I was in there I just closed my eyes and I talked to God. I told him I felt like he had abandoned me, but I knew he hadn't, I knew he was working for me even if I didn't see any progress.

 When I had finished this sentence my thoughts got interrupted by another thought (I know it came from GOD), I thought "Wait . . . I have seen progress! My cycles have been normal for almost a year!" I continued to talk to GOD until I had finally felt peace, knowing that we hadn't REALLY been trying to conceive the past 4 years, really if anything we had been hoping, praying and not preventing.

 I felt that we have only been TRYING for 1 month...yep, just 1. We just did everything wrong before, and I really feel confident that It's going to happen soon. I got a spiritual reading from a wonderful medium named Rebecca Foster.  Some may think that's wrong of me because I'm a Christian, but not all prophets or 'false prophets" and I'm not closed minded.

 Her reading was both reassuring and worried me at the same time. She said she saw that I may have an Auto-immune disease and that I should get checked for clotting disorders. I was really hoping that my Hypothyroidism was mild enough to not cause me problems, but to hear I may have other problems was scary. But, then she proceeded to tell me that she saw nothing that would keep me from carrying a child and that she thought I had a good chance of conceiving by October.

 This made me so happy! and it also went along with a message that GOD had given me one night I was praying. It was back in May and He made it known to me, that I would conceive by the end of this year or beginning of next year. I've struggled with this, wondering if it was really GOD or if it was me trying to make myself feel better. But I have to believe it was GOD.

 I really hope I do conceive before October, because James' cousin Thomas is getting married in October and I'm one of the bride's maids and so is James' Other cousin Candice, whom will be about 23 weeks pregnant by then.  I just don't know if I'm strong enough to be around her or face her if I'm not pregnant by then.

 As for where we stand now in TTC, I'm not sure honestly. I had about 2 days of watery CM and 1 day of EWCM so I thought we had covered all our bases, but now i'm not really sure, CM is so confusing.....

 I may or may not be about 3 DPO so we'll find out if I have any symptoms or anything.

NEVER GIVE UP!